Hide-and-Seek in the Facebook Universe

Now Facebook allows you to hide what you write, hide when you’re online—soon they’ll have an app for how to hide your existence in toto. Let’s take this to its logical conclusion, shall we?

 

As we enter the Facebook Universe (“F. U.,” for short), Scott has a discussion going on his wall regarding a political matter he doesn’t know much about, really, but it is Friday afternoon and he’s bored at work. 

Scott has a lot of friends (most of whom he would not recognize on the street; they are mainly friends⁷ (friends of friends of friends of friends of friends of friends of friends).

But Scott has a few “friend-friends” (actual friends, as opposed to extended friends, one of the ever-increasing categories F. U. provides; enterprising types are preparing business cards, as we speak, to organize the complex F. U. for you). Among these friends are:

a. Debbie, who has been hiding from Joe because they dated for a while and
then, well--

b. Bob, who has been hiding from Debbie because he wanted to date her while she was dating Joe and assumed once things went south with Joe she would notice him and, well--

We now join the discussion in progress.

Debbie says a few words, which everyone but Joe can see.

Scott responds to Debbie, but calls her “Honey” instead of using her name.
 

Joe chimes in and, not knowing Debbie is present, makes a remark in response to something Scott said that references her in a negative way.

Theme music from “The Twilight Zone” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Twilight_Zone begins to play.

Bob sees what Debbie wrote to Scott and takes the opportunity to add his two cents about Debbie. His remarks are invisible to her.

Debbie says some things in response to the partial conversation she can see.

Bob comes back with another zinger.

Scott tries to find a way to respond to the exchange.

Both Debbie and Bob are offended.

The remaining people who have tuned in grab a beer and wait to see what happens next. Or they decide maybe they’ve had too many beers and that’s why this all looks so bizarre.

Scott walks into the kitchen and says to his wife, “People on Facebook are nuts.” She says, “Shhh. I’m watching Harvey.” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042546/

Folks, don’t let this happen to you. No matter how easy Facebook seems to
make it.

©2012 Laynie Tzena.

Exit Strategy, or How to (Almost) See Into The Minds of Men

(Nota bene: This story was actually written on Valentine's Day, but mistakenly posted to one of our sister blogs. Must have been the chocolate.)

I once went to a guest est* seminar. I was waiting tables in Boston at the time. Management had decreed that we wear white shirts (my first one was soon stolen--wet!--from the John Lennon laundromat), black pants, and a black bowtie. My hair has always been thick and at that length, with that getup, I looked like a panda.

est was beginning to buy up real estate—it's a pity Scientology got to the old Transamerica building first, or I'd probably see a lot more of one of my friends—and they owned a building around the corner from the restaurant. So the "est-ies," as we called them, came in all the time, and I can report with authority that they were terrible tippers. Anyway, they invited me to their guest seminar and I went. Interesting. I was ready to leave and they wanted me to sign up for the full Monty and I said I thought I had something else I might want to do with that X-hundred dollars.

They asked me if I could come up with the money if my life depended on it.

Now, this was right around the time of Jim Jones. I immediately saw Jonestown in the back of my mind.

They said that my capacity to fully experience life depended on it.

So I decided I would have to forgo fully experiencing life. It’s been a pretty good ride, though, so far.

* * *

A friend, trying to be helpful, just sent me a link to a video that promised to reveal why men lie. Now, I also have another friend and, when I mentioned a self-help title to him one day, he told me that he just reads the titles and then he has a pretty good idea what’s in the book.

I should have taken his approach. Or even reread the article I posted yesterday about relationship experts. Did I do either of those things? Mais non. Hey, we’re talking about men here. I love men. Plus, it’s Valentine’s Day.

The expert promised to reveal what men think, feel, and want. God forbid you should ask one. No, no. That would never work, because he would lie to you.

The expert went on to say that every man you had ever met had lied to you. (This presumably would include my brother, and therefore is not news.)

So the men in your life—including your current sweetheart—are all lying, at all times. Except when taking this survey. (Where the truth serum was administered was not specified.)

Which is why I routinely tell my friends, “I make the mistakes so you don’t have to.”

Now, unlike the restaurant in Boston, the relationship expert’s video had no exit. Well, there is that little window with the X in it, but he promised relationship “superpowers” (there was even a cape, which really got my attention) and maybe he’s about to reveal an important secret, and . . .

 

But when he said, “The only reason you might not sign up”—right, the whole thing was a sales pitch—“is because you secretly don’t want to know, you like it when men--“ (followed by some drivel), the vernacular sprang to my lips and I closed the window.

“Wait!” he said, and offered an invitation I ignored.

So I’ll never know what all those men really think, feel, and want—or what they chose to tell him they think, feel, and want.

Guess I’ll have to keep dating.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

*erhard seminar training (always written in lower-case letters, perhaps inspired by
e. e. cummings), now called "Landmark Education."

©2012, 2013, 2014 Laynie Tzena.